What is This Fat Girl's Limit?

  So I been on this journey for 150 days.  I would love to say what a beautiful relavation it's been but i would be lying if i told you it was all roses and daises.  That's what makes it all the more valuable to me.  Nobody is giving me this on a silver platter, I must dig deep for motivation every day.   I look back to all those times I attempted weightloss and I know that I never pushed myself.  Was  it  that i was scared of what i was capable of?  Or was I scared I would fall short of the expectation of my goal?  Would it hurt that i would disappoint myself yet again?   What I didn't know all along was , I needed to believe in myself.  What does that mean exactly?  It means telling myself that I deserve to be happy and healthy.  Not hurt anymore from this weight,  This weight was killing me.  I tried my hardest to act like it wasn't effecting me but everyday was a struggle. 
    I woke up one morning, told myself no matter what happens, I am not allowing myself to take the easy way out anymore.  Once you get over the denial of why you gained weight you see for maybe the first time, how to fight your way back :)
   SO I got this idea of how can i challenge myself.  I signed up to do the logbook for http://www.concept2.com/us/default.asp  .  I saw there this challenge of 100,000 meters the teams do.  I thought for a long awhile i thought oooo, i can do this challenge, as my own personal challenge.    SO the 4th will be my 30 days...right now on this 24th day of September I am at 70,000 meters.   It's been a huge mountain, I feel like I'm up at the very last pass, ready to peak over, to see the viewpoint. 

   It's amazing how many muscles you use while rowing. 
It used to be so hard for me, i was only able to do 10 minutes at a time, now i'm up to 30 minutes. 
You better believe I will post my challenge win blog :D  

"whether i fail or succeed shall be no mans doing but my own, i am the force"

Challenge : To Make or Give Voice to

Oh man! There is no planet, sun or star that could hold you, if you but knew what you are. -Ralph Waldo Emerson~

    I swear this is an Everyday battle.  Everyday I feel different.  I am defining my own Path and my own way.  So many people want to say they have the formula, just do a , b, c , & d and poof you'll lose the weight.   Some days I wish it were that easy.  There's so many factors, you fight with yourself everyday. 
     This picture is a path I walk,  but you see there's a bend in the road, that represents, my challenge.   Do I know what is around that corner?  Not always but I have to just keep putting one foot in front of the other, no matter if fear is there or not.    My life has always been on this path but always it has been to many times, that i would start walking on it, then half way thru i would just doubt myself and feel afraid what changes will come.
      This walk has been different though.  I believe in the power of my self discovery.  I will not let myself fear change and I will not let myself give in, and I will look at my reflection with resolve. 
      Challenge is a big word that has made me think about prospective.   I started logging my rowing meters at concept 2.  On there I saw a challenge.  100,000 meters ... at first i thought oh that would be a someday thing for me.  Then I began thinking, I need to challenge myself, Give myself Reason.  So I set myself on this challenge.   I't's my own personal challenge,  I am testing myself.  30 days of rowing 3,350 meters a day.    What will this show me?  It will show me anything is possible if you have the DESIRE.   To Push myself, to see what limits my new body has.  Tough is pushing thru the fog and believing that you can and will do anything you set out to do, Do not put a limit on yourself, Be brave to put your sail up and see where the wind will carry you.
     Day 4 of my rowing Challenge.  

Bellevue Farmer's Market “If we're growing, we're always going to be out of our comfort zone.”

These are My treasures today, I am kind of proud of myself, I went outside my box and went to farmer's market.  I tried my best to look like i knew what i was doing hahaha :P
It's my first time to a farmer's market.  So many things I have never cooked, like beet's , i'm gonna try this Chard, I've done mustard green's so I'm venturing out more.   I seen these onions the size of grapefruit, and those beef steak tomatoes were melons, holay.    Bakeries, Mexican Cuisine, Pizza's, Cheese, Wine, gosh you name it.   I treated myself to Lavender Honey Icecream.  She gave me a sample of the tomato basil sorbet, goodness, that is interesting .  I think it's amazing!  What I have noticed is my taste buds are changing the longer I am on this healthy Journey.  My philosphy is I will try everything once.  I'm trying my best to steer away from the processed foods more and more.    I never used to like peaches, but this summer they were my most favorite.    SO I'm lookign forward to my next adventure.  I want to expierence new things.  The key really is just moving more. 
I might post a chard recipe if I find a good one :)
I started this rower challenge last night.  It's a 31 week rowing program I downloaded from Concept 2. 
  Researching My next adventure!

Focusing on What I want

"Passion is pushing myself when there is no one else around, just me & the road". -Ryan Shay

     What is fear? How does it keep us from where we want to be?  I think for a long time I really have neglected my health.  What's that saying about hindsight?  It's good for telling you where you went, It's good for testing what you know, but it cannot tell you where you ought to go in this moment.
     Alot of people have asked me, what is different this time?  Honest to god truth is, believing in myself and not letting my self get away with anything. 
     I think in alot of ways, my weight has been my protection against what i fear.  I have found out things about myself,  I have survived sexual abuse, so that makes me a survivor, I am a fighter, and I don't give in easily when it comes to people I love.  I am a caretaker, so i have a question I am trying to answer, why if I care so much for everybody else, why would i not put that same care unto myself? 
     I feel like I am waking up out of this deep sleep i've been in. 
     I'm learning that I deserve to respect myself and love myself. 
     This journey is hard, the mental part of it, will challenge you beyond belief.    You must put it all together. 
    
     So I watched this show called sick, obese and overweight, something along these lines.  Just a show on juicing, how this guy goes on a journey to get healthy by drinking raw juice, what touched me so was this guy he influenced along the way, this guy goes from 429 lbs down to 203 lbs.  he inspires a whole town along the way...now that's just amazing.
      It's stories like these that inspire me.  Then I feel in this very hard journey I realize I am not alone and I am not the only one fighting this beast. 
      I need to do my cardio today...
      It's amazing tho, seeing your body change, maybe it's not as fast as you would like but I am defining my own way here. 
      My progress pictures tell the story :-)
      So keep fighting!

Staying on Track

"You won't realize the distance you've walked until you take a look around & realize how far you've been."~

    Day 108- I won't say I have not had slips in these 108 days.  I am human, I am overweight, and it's habits I am changing day by day, sometimes it goes hour to hour. 
    It's about taking it at my speed, I am setting the pace for myself.  At first I thought, oh i should be at a 40 lb. loss by now.  It's all about the big numbers but then i was setting myself to fail or an old pattern i would always set.  Make it or break it.  It's about learning and relearning...
    Here are some tips I have learned

1. Realizing my slip- Admitting it, to myself, the hardest part...
2. Recommitting yourself to your plan-
3. Drawing the line-  Making it clear to yourself, ya i went off plan but this is no reason to keep overeating the entire day.  Set up some things to distract yourself from over eating, brushing your teeth, keeping busy with a project, or blog.
4. Giving yourself credit for stopping -  Don't be hard on yourself, oh man this is one i'm bad at too,  give yourself a pat on the back for admitting it...
5. Watch out for feeling like you failed or feeling helpless:  Here is where the sabotage thinking has hurt you, to change it...you have to realize mistakes are a part of this process.
6. continue to eat as planned:  Don't go starving yourself for the rest of the day. 
7. Learn from your mistake :  Identify it, unplanned eating, maybe went to a potluck, maybe it was a trigger you had. 

Recommit and Don't give in to your thoughts that say, i might as well give up...
It is like walking a mile...you are about halfway thru that mile, your tired, and your not sure if your gonna make it, are you gonna turn around and say what the hell, I can't make it, i might as well give up and go back home!   No your gonna keep pushing thru it, and keep going!!!!  Your not gonna stop til you get across that finish line.

I remember not long ago, eating vegtables and fruit was something i had to force myself to do, fries and a hamburger was my happy zone,  and making time for cardio was a nightmare to me.   Don't get me wrong i still have a hamburger but i'm smarter about it...my option is the smallest portion and usually i get a salad with it, and i taste my husbands fries... It reminds me of how much i overate...and i did.  I have come quite a ways...I feel like I'm still walking up that steep hill, I have not reached my peak yet ;-)

Stay strong, keep fighting...it will all be worth it

On a high

"Keep some room in your heart for the unimaginable." -Mary Oliver

      The last few weeks 4 to be exact, I have been staying at about the same weight.  I started just this week doing a food journal and along with that charting my mood along with it, my therapist recommended i do this.
One of the ladies in my group at tops recommended doing the celestial teas which are fruit flavored, to get the water intake in.  So I been doing that this week , man what a difference.
      This mood journaling, really keeps you aware of your hunger factor and asks you are you really hungary or are you eating for comfort?  My therepist also recommended I try getting in 5 servings of fruit and vegtables every day...goodness, it's alot harder then it sounds.
      Today i had a brisk walk, 35 minutes today.  Man the sun was blaring right down on me, so i found myself trying to hurry and get to the next shade of tree's ...So I'm gonna do some weight training today tooo.  I was kind of worried about a week ago, i pushed myself too hard, was doing this circuit training, doing alot of step ups and i really over did it.  It just a reminder to me this is not a sprint, it is a long long marathon and I must pace myself to stay in this race. 
      I am in such a different place, then a few years ago, I remember i would just sabotage myself but this tops program , my therapist are really really helping me stay true.
      My therapist told me, it is typical to lose 20, and plateau but she said don't give up, keep excercising...
      This is new territory for me, I have never been below 319, on a diet ever...
      It is believing I can do it, stick with it, and telling myself now, healthy is good, not eating healthy isn't really acceptable anymore. 
      So no matter how hard your day may be, just don't ever let go....

317 Today!!!

Big Waves of Change

Those who expect moments of change to be comfortable and free of conflict have not learned their history. ~Joan Wallach Scott


  It's been quite awhile since I last blogged.  I have been going thru Huge Changes in my personal life.  It's weird how they say everything is connected, my weight, my past hurts, my present feelings, and my future.  You wish You had the key to it all but really it's understanding the hard stuff you have always tried to push down with food or avoid life with.   I have alot of stuff to sort thru but I feel like finding me will be the key to this huge puzzle of life. 
  I have avoided living far too long.  You wake up one day, you have isolated everyone you ever loved, push away the most important person in your life.   You look in the mirror and you think who on earth is that staring back at me?   She is somone who has gone thru hurts and she deserves a chance at life, a real chance!!!!! 
  I have started counseling, let me say it is the hardest thing i have ever done.   To answer and look at your life piece by piece is very very challenging.   I think tho, as the weeks go by, each session i go to.  I feel like She is helping me realize that my voice within myself is very much there and i need to listen to her.  
  I have been doing tops since April 26th.  As of today I am 20 lbs. down give or take.  I am in the process of really figuring out why I am pleatueing...Honesty...well too many carbs...and i need more water!!!!!  I need to move way more.  I had a bad day today...but I'm not gonna let it blow my whole new healthy way of life though, the old me would be oh what the hell, I might as well give up right now...but nope,  Simple, I have to be accountable to myself.  
  I am an emotional eater...and I am an intelligent person. 

  So I am off to do my cardio...kind of late but no excuses. 

  Changing one habit at a time...

~ Always always Believe

Day 47~

"Tough times don't last but tough people do."

A.C. Green

   People can be divided into 3 groups. Those who make things happen, those who merely watch things happen, and those who wonder what the heck happened. 
   I Have lost 14.5 pounds as of today.  Sometimes I have to stand on the scale for a good long minute, I still can't believe I have lost this much in 47 days. 
   I have did beyond my normal of 3 weeks on a diet plan.  I cannot name a specific reason why it just seems to be working it's magic.   There is no Magic.   My Tops group is such a great support, My weekly weigh-ins help me be accountable.  Maybe it's me, changing my habits one habit at a time.    Mostly I believe I can do it this time so each day that goes by I get more confident and stronger. 
   My meals today:
Breakfast  Yogurt & granola
Lunch        Turkey burger w/ swiss and mustard, baked potato and 1 cups of raw carrots
Dinner       Pork Tenderloin, Steamed Broccoli, Sweet potato
Snack       Orange, Fruit Bar
Water        60 oz.

 Aim is 1500 calories a day and cardio 4-5 days a week , resistance training twice a week.

Goal is to drink all my water and to move move move....

4 lbs

"If I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning." ~Gandhi

   I couldn't go to sleep without blogging about my results.  Tonight was my tops meeting.  I am happy to report i had a 4 lb. loss.  I'm happy but still apprehensive, Like i kind of don't trust myself yet.   I have been here before to this point but I can't help thinking why will this time be different?  Have you ever gotten to a point where you want  something so bad you will do what you have to to get it.  Do You have the "Ganas" (desire) to go after it?   I ask myself this every morning.  I go over the reasons in my head my reasons for losing weight, it's not because i want to be the hottest thing to walk the earth.

1. I would love to be able to run up and down the stairs normally, which i cannot do since my acl surgery and i know it has alot to do with my weight.
2. My graft could fail if I do not excercise regularly.
3. I want to be healthy not having the diabetes scare hanging over my head.
4. I want to be able to get up off the floor like a normal person.
5. I want to know what's it's like to ride a bike again, that was my true love growing up.
6. To run in a marthon would be a dream.
7. I would love for my family to see me healthy.  I have battled being overweight my whole entire life. 
8. To have a baby would be a huge blessing ...

These are my reasons...
I have to believe with all that I am, I will Make it happen not today or tomorrow but soon.

Walking

"It was a high counsel that I once heard given to a young person, "Always do what you are afraid to do."

Ralph Waldo Emerson



Today I lost about 2 lbs.  I drank a ton of water yesterday though, i'm behind today.
My calves are soooooooo sore, from that huge walk yesterday evening.  We walked about 1.19 miles.  Cripe for some reason walking on a straightway seems challenging well heck walking period is a challenge for me.  I cant wait for the day when it gets a little easier, I mean carrying around all this extra weight is a challenge for me.  I hate the looks i get some days...like im contagious or something or ppl feeling sorry.   In a way i hate it when society will judge you cuz your so big but even when you try and do something they still give you looks ...it doesn't bother me though as much as it used to.  I breathe the same air as they do :) 
   Even as sore as my legs were, i still got out there today...I don't know if i placed my pedometer right...anyway i walked another 40 minutes. 
    I need to get some weightraining in there today...my plan is to do that 2-3 times a week. 
    Today Im trying to be diligent, i have the tops weigh in tomorrow.  Being a part of this group really really helps me stay on plan.  It is true motivation.  The ladies are so encouraging.  I finally have this 28 day plan written out, so i can have more of an idea of what i should be eating.  Some days i don't eat enough. 
    Is it ever tough though, to try and keep the scale going down...
    Let's hope I can do it!!!!  I was 326.7 today...last week when i weighed i was about 331...but then again it's like tomorrow evening and you weigh with clothes on...so that's a bit different...
    Journaling, moving everyday, and eating mindfully is what seems to be doing wonders...
   

Day 40

" What we shall prepare for We shall Get"~William Grahm Sumner

Today is Day 40.
I know there are some ppl who recommend you not weigh yourself everyday but I really need to weigh everyday.  Yes it could be frustrating but for me, If I get too comfortable, I tend to want to Stray.  I am 328.2 as of today.  To date that is a 10 lbs.  So today I know I need to drink alot of water.  I've been yo-yo-ing a bit...just trying to think positive tho.
   I know I do much better if I plan everything I eat.  This week I'm learning how to decide on what is hunger, cravings and desire.
   I know there are times after dinner, I feel like I should eat something else...Lately I've been waiting, thinking to myself...now are you really hungary?  I am learning to eat til i'm satisfied and not overstuffed.    It's a process tho, to measure everything, i'm learning what is a normal portion.  So some new habits for me is dividing up the plate, half vegtables, 1/4 protein, and 1/4 starch and 1 cup raw vegtables. 
    Today is biggest loser on the wii...I really enjoy this activity, it's a variety of excercises, excercises i can actually do...there's a few i can't do but i just adapt, 
    I made an agreement with myself, that i would try and do an activity everyday. Just move, whatever it is. 
     My habits so far, Journaling everything I eat, Drinking water, Moving Daily, eating Healthy meals.  Tonight Will be chicken stirfry over brown rice and a cup of raw vegtables.  Lunch is cheese Sandwhich with a cup of Soup. 
     Investing in my health is a work in progress :)

weekend turnaround

so today is technnically week 7.  Weekends have never been my strongpoint.  You get out of your weekday routine, you get comfortable and you get in a mind set of relaxing.  I know I have struggled the last two weeks.  Being honest here though not following the plan to a "T", let me tell you the scale does not lie.  It has been frustrating, losing two, gaining one, gaining two, losing one...I do know though I'm in a different place, reading this book called "the Beck Diet Solution" is helping me tremondously.  I did not realize that i have alot of sabotaging behavior and that i needed to replace that with more reinforced thinking.   I had a pattern of staying with a diet for about 3 or 4 weeks, then i would get defeated and talking myself into not sticking with it.  My thoughts would be , oh i'll eat off the plan for today the tomorrow i'll get back on it, pretty soon one day would turn into two, three, and four...
     So today I took time to make baked chicken breasts with balsmic & honey & breadcrumbs, and a big salad.  I did my cardio early or else i will talk myself out of it :)  I rowed about 2760 meters today i 20 minutes on my rowing machine and i did my bike for 3 miles...did some light weightraining. 
      Today is a positive day because i have lost 2 inches around my hips, chest, waist and arms....Pretty Amazing :) 
       "to Thine own Self be True"!  What inspires me?  I think now it is these changes are bringing some big results finally!!!!

Tops Journey "Life Begins with Tops"

     Where do I begin...hmmm Well I been going thru alot of ups and downs the past few years.  I found out I was vitamn D defficent...which is part of it.   I have been suffering with depression for alot of years, which I can say is very hard for me to admit but my husband has been very understanding. 
      Let's just say my fresh started April 26th, 2011.  So It's been about A month, I joined tops finally.  I have known about it for so many years but I just never had the courage to do a program like this.  Then It's like they say you hit your bottom and it helps get you to this place where you feel like you can do it.  Today is June 3rd, I am 327 today. A 11 lb. loss so far.  I have worked so hard for it....I have not slipped into my usual pattern of giving up 3 or 4 weeks later.  It's one day at a time, one emotion at a time.  What I loved about this program is they encourage you to excercise 4-5 days a week so diet and excercise together you take off pounds sensibly. 
        We say this pledge Part of it goes :   I will control my emotions and not let my emotions control me...
The first time I said this pledge, I felt like I was finally at a place of understanding where I was not gonna be judged and I felt safe.
         I wouldn't say the program is hard, it's more like changing your lifestyle takes work.  To adopt new habits takes time and diligence.  It's alot of being in a place where you feel like you are ready.  Believe me, if you are not ready, you will do everything to sabotage yourself.   It's alot of soul searching...Are you ready to change your life? 
         It's been trial and error for me...i realize though your body tells the truth, you cannot fool anyone ;-)  This week I've been getting in all my excercise, eating my vegtables, trying to stay away from the processed food. 
       "a Stronger Body starts with a Stronger Mind" 

Change is hard...

   January 8th, 2011 I started this journey....  For alot of years I have been on this roller coaster, my half hearted attempts to take the weight off.  I'm not sure that i was ready to face the challenges with getting healthy.  What is so different now?  My belief in myself to change this story of mine.  5 weeks into my program...I want to just pinch myself...i'm amazed how fast the days have gone by.   There are moments as you go on this journey that you feel alone and scared because you are walking thru change and over the years you have become so accustomed to avoiding "it".  As of today I am 341 and I have lost 4 inches so far.  I have averaged 200 + minutes of excercise a week of cardio and weightraining.  Last week I had a hard time getting my excercise in but this week I plan to make up for it.   I started this blog last year, today I plan to finish what i started...
    "“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”


Maria Robinson quotes